When Worlds Collide
by Knightfall1138
Summary: Shepard leads his crew on a suicide mission through the Omega 4 Relay, only to find himself on a brief cross-genre adventure.


_Note: This is a completely random, complete nonsense crossover story that I wrote for the Mass Effect Fanfic Forum. I've gotta apologize, but it was fun to write._

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* * *

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When Worlds Collide;

or,

When Ships Collide With Worlds

* * *

It had been a day of waiting: for a fight that might never come, for an end that they might never see. Shepard armed his assault rifle and collapsed it onto his back, all the while wondering if any amount of weaponry would be enough to stop the Collectors - or whoever might lie in wait on the other end of the Omega 4 Relay.

He felt another shudder beneath his feet as _Normandy_'s inertial compensators fought with the rough ride the slipstream was providing. It wouldn't be long now. Just a few more minutes.

Then it could all be at an end.

_"We're approaching the end of the slipstream, Commander,"_ Joker's voice chimed over the intercom. _"You'd better get ready."_

Shepard nodded, not even humoring himself with second thoughts on the matter. "Thanks, Joker. I'm on my way." He stood from his desk and began making his way to the lift. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the aquarium filled with dead fish.

He groaned and exhaled through his nose. In all the commotion, he'd forgotten about his aquatic compatriots. Feeding them had always been Kelly's job. Now she was gone, and so were his fish. The casualties of this conflict were ever-mounting.

"They'll pay for that," he growled. "At least I still have you, Squeaks." The hamster squeaked and ran back into his hut.

–

Shepard took up the copilot's seat and waited while Joker finished fine-tuning the final-approach settings.

"Okay," Joker sighed, keying in the last few commands. "I've got her all set. We should be ready for anything once we drop out on the other side. Almost anything, I guess."

"You've done good, Joker," Shepard said, regarding the pilot.

"Eh. It's the least I could do. After all the times you helped me down to my quarters."

"Yeah, I help you down the corridor, and you help me across the galaxy. Not sure that's a fair trade."

"Trust me, from where I'm sitting_—_ten to twenty hours a day_—_it's more than fair."

Shepard smiled and turned to the intercom. "This is the commander. We're preparing to drop out on the other side of the Omega Four relay. Sitrep."

_"All stations are standing by, Commander,"_ Jacob called back.

"Garrus, are the ship's weapons preped?"

_"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some—"_

Shepard flipped off the intercom, rolling his eyes. "Christ."

"Ten seconds, Commander," Joker said, bracing himself against the console.

Shepard nodded. "Let's do this," he said. "Let's take the fight to the Collectors."

The red slipstream faded away, and the ship was rocked by loud concussion.

Joker fought with the controls. "We just broke the damn sound barrier."

"How?" Shepard looked up through the viewport and was met by his answer: a wall of green was fast approaching the ship's nose.

"Oh, shit! Hang on!" Joker set the engines into overdrive, and the bridge was filled with the klaxon of proximity alarms. Wind rushed around the hull; everything shook. Joker could hardly punch the right commands.

"I've got it level!" Joker said. "That's the best I can do!"

Shepard flipped on the intercom. "Everyone brace for impact!"

The viewport darkened beneath a layer of dirt.

–

The land stretched out forever. A field of green grass, parted by dusty trails, half-covered by a dark forest. Of all the things Shepard had imagined finding on the other end of the Omega 4 Relay, this place hadn't been among them.

He took a breath. The air was clean, without a hint of pollution. Perhaps they had landed on an uncharted world, or a nature preserve. He hardly had a guess, but there certainly didn't seem to be anything menacing. Good thing.

The _Normandy_ marked the finish line of a tear in the earth that stretched for miles into the horizon. The ship was in bad shape, but it could have been so much worse.

"Is everyone all right?" Shepard asked, turning to his crew, who had since made their way down the ship's ramp. They all looked just as confused as he felt.

Mordin stepped forward, his eyes darting between Shepard and the landscape. "Crashing problematic. Not conducive to space travel. Perhaps land travel. Can ships drive on land? Must return to lab." He disappeared back into the ship, drawing raised eyebrows from everyone.

Miranda was the first to answer Shepard's question, albeit in a very Australian accent. "We're fine, Commander. Only a few cuts and bruises."

"That's odd," Shepard said, looking at his pistol. "I must have hurt my head or something, because I could swear this pistol is a knife. I know it isn't, though, but that's all I see. I'm scared."

"That's not a knife," Miranda said, drawing cheers from the rest of the crew.

Shepard motioned to Garrus. "Got her to say it. Pay up!"

Garrus sighed and threw a credit chit in Shepard's direction. "I shouldn't have left C-Sec."

"What?" Miranda looked around. "Why's everyone laughing?"

"No reason," Shepard said, completely serious. "Anyway, we should probably figure out where we are_—_" He looked around. "Wait, where's Zaeed?"

"Dead," Jacob said.

"What!"

"Yeah. It was that food you bought for the ship back on the Citadel."

"What about it?"

"He was allergic to it."

Shepard's face went ashen. He looked up to the sky. "Who could have known that my decisions, no matter how insignificant, could have such far-reaching consequences? It was a suicide mission, after all." He shook his head. "This is folly."

Grunt mumbled, "Drama queen."

"That really is lame, though. A stupid little decision taking out one of my crew." Shepard looked knowingly over at Samara, who coughed into her fist. "Right."

"So, what should we do now, Commander?" Jack asked. She drew herself up and paused for effect. "Fuck."

Everyone gasped.

"Ooo, you're edgy!" Shepard said, clapping. "I'm glad I brought you along. Watch out ESRB, we're rated M for _strong_ language this time!"

A voice popped up behind him. "Enchantment?"

"SHIT!" Shepard spun on his heels and and fired. A short, young man fell flat onto his face. "Oh, god."

Garrus's mandibles twitched. "Shepard, what the hell?"

"I didn't..." Shepard lowered the gun. "I swear, I thought..."

Another older man, possibly the boy's father, climbed down on his wagon and tended to his son. "What have you done!"

"Gained my loyalty," Grunt cut in.

Shepard held up a hand to silence Grunt and turned back to the father. "It was an accident, I swear!"

The man wiped away his tears. "I promise you, if it's the last thing I do, I'll bring the authorities down on your head! If I have to walk all the way back to Orzammar, I'll make sure you hang!"

Shepard continued listening to the man.

"Help the man," the Paragon Option said. "There's some medigel back on the ship. Perhaps you can save the boy!"

"Forget the boy," the Renegade Option countered. "That was a headshot worthy of one hundred gamerpoints. The guy will only make trouble for you. Silence him."

"Silence him?" Shepard wondered. "What do you mean?"

"I dunno. Could mean anything. Maybe you'll just push him up against a tree, or maybe you'll slap him around. Who knows? But he won't be trouble anymore."

"Don't listen to him!" said the Paragon Option. "You'll probably end up shooting him in the head or something! Play it safe. Shut him up with kindness!"

"That's boring! Go with the option that's totally metal."

"Being metal would probably impress Jack," Shepard said, glancing over his shoulder at the half-naked woman. "Renegade."

The dwarf cocked his head. "What did you say?"

Shepard shoved a biotic field in the short man's direction, sending him flying off into the distance. In only a few seconds, he was a speck on the horizon. "I..." He watched the speck disappear. "I wasn't expecting that."

Another voice popped up. Shepard was careful not to shoot at it immediately. "T'was a fine way to deal with that walking, talking invalid," the feminine voice said. "Not many are willing to do such a thing."

Shepard turned to face the woman, and immediately observed how little she was wearing. "Well, hello there."

She wore robes of tattered cloth that hardly covered the areas they were intended to hide. Her hair was dark, as were her eyes, and her clothes, also the area around her eyes. "You truly are a man know knows how the world works."

"I know how everything works," Shepard said. His crew was beginning to get comfortable on the ground; they knew this would take a while. "From the universe at large, to the needs of a random goth lady."

"Is that so?" she asked.

"I love you," Shepard told her. His eyes narrowed. "And hate you."

"Take me!" She threw herself into his arms.

"Plotting a course." Shepard started to make his way back to the ship. He stopped suddenly, remembering something. "You don't have a loyalty quest, do you?"

"My mother's a dragon."

"Yeah, but do I have to kill her now?"

"No."

Shepard turned back to his team and gave them a thumbs-up. "Go Team Shepard!" He shoved past Jack and ran toward the ship with the goth lady in his arms.

–

"That was fantastic," Morrigan said, cuddling with Shepard on the bed.

"It must have been," Shepard said, his hands tucked behind his head. "Squeaks was running in his little wheel the entire time."

"You really did fall from the stars," she said. "No one else on this planet could have satisfied me the way just did."

"I am pretty significant," Shepard said. "I'm a Spectre, and I saved the universe."

"Brilliant."

"Also, I'm dead."

Morrigan seemed to get even more excited. "Mmm, tell me more."

"I punched a woman reporter once and no one seemed to care."

"More!"

"I've discovered record amounts of palladium!"

Morrigan's eyes went bright white, and almost seemed to glow. "Assuming direct control!"

"Uh-oh!"

–

_Created by:  
Donald P. Bellisario_

_Glen A. Larson_


End file.
